


Love You Goodbye

by Zaithiest



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Harry's here for a minute, Let's pretend I didn't cry while writing this, Louis and Niall are here for comedic relief, M/M, headcannon, sadfic, sadfic?, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-01 20:34:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaithiest/pseuds/Zaithiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I have a feeling you didn't come here to confess your undying love for me.” Liam let out a breathy laugh and Zayn smiled but his eyes turned down to catch the tears that melted in them.<br/>“I came to say goodbye.”<br/>No one breathed, no one spoke. The wind paused to listen and the floorboards stilled to watch as Liam's thumb brushed a tear off Zayn's cheek, one that was too warm to feel.<br/>“Stay with me one last time then.”<br/>“Liam I-”<br/>“Let me love you goodbye, Zayn. So that I don't have to say it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love You Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my Gosh...  
> So I've been writing this since Zayn left right. (No, i'm not over it leave me alone) and that's been a while, as you all know, but the thing was I just had no idea how I wanted this to end and then 1D hit me with Love You Goodbye and the inspiration train started going 100mph in my head and so here we are! Anyways, that's the story of my story (If that makes sense?)
> 
> Enjoy!

“Zayn?” Liam pressed his head against the door listening to the quiet but unmistakeable sniffles on the other side “Zayn, please open up.”

“I'm fine Liam, leave me be.” Zayn spoke, his words stern but muffled and mumbled by the door that worked as a barrier between them.

“Oh don't give me that, you and I both know that's not true, Zayn.”

“Whatever.” Zayn gave up easily, his voice was quiet and blended into the silence that followed.

“Zayn, really mate, open up.” Liam persisted trying the knob again “Zay-”

“What Liam!” Zayn's response was quick and loud. Liam took two steps back looking at the door as if it had burned his skin, not the boy behind it.

“I just want to see you.” Liam proceeded cautiously. 

“Why Liam? What do you want to see?” Zayn's volume matched the steps he took towards the door. “Do you want to see me cry? Fall apart? Break down? Because that's what everyone want's to see innit? Everyone wants to watch me fall apart, they wanna see how far they can push me until I've had enough!” Wood scraped against wood as Zayn moved about the room, not bothering to fold the t-shirts that were thrown into the green duffel sat on the bed. “Well guess what Liam! I've had enough! I'm done!”

“Zayn, what do you mean?” Liam's shock was masked by his wet eyes and watery voice. He found his forehead against his arm which separated his head and the cool wood of the door.

“I'm going home. I can't be here right now. I just... I need to go” Zayn's voice matched Liam's, unstable words mixed with quiet regret.

“When?” Liam closed his eyes, it was easier to pretend he was dreaming that way “When Zayn?” 

“My flight leaves at eleven” Zayn sniffled, his voice solemn due to his attempts at recovery.

“Eleven? How- who di- Wh- I-” Liam stumbled, words to fast in his head to meet his lips. “When did you decide this? Who did you tell? Does Marc know? Did you tell any of the lads? When where you going to tell me?” Liam moved his arm to press further against the door, maybe to catch something he missed, to hear something he hadn't. “Were you going to tell me?”

“Liam...”

Liam took a step back, clammy fingers getting tangled in his hair which was sticky with gel.

“Maybe you should think about this. I mean- This is all so quick and...What if you regret it? We should talk about it or... Just stay the night yeah? Sleep on it and if you still want to go-”

Just then the door opened and Liam lost thoughts and words as he held his breath looking at the boy in front of him. 

Zayn couldn't breath but he was panting. His disheveled hair brushed his cheek but one shaky hand didn't have the will power to move it and the other was clutching tight to the black strap of a deep green duffel, lumpy sides tucked between the underside of Zayn's arm and ribs. 

Liam stared at Zayn's red eyes which were shielded by puffy lids, framed with wet lashes, above damp cheeks, streaked with shimmery paths left by salty tears. 

“Zayn...” Liam whispered, rough fingers seeking for smooth skin but abandoning it's search when Zayn flinched from their touch.

“There's nothing to talk about. I've made up my mind” Zayn's words trailed behind him as he walked on broken feet towards the door, the perceived exit to insanity but in reality, a simple pause button for speech. 

Liam stood fastened to the floor, the glimmering hurt from his eyes traveling down his cheeks in jagged lighting bolts.

“Zayn you can't go please I- we need you. You can't just up and go. What about tour? What about the fans what about-” Liam took a breath willing his voice to hide want with need, unsure which one was genuine “What about me Zayn?

“What about you Liam?” The frigid silence froze Zayn's fingers around the scratchy fabric of the black straps and turning the floor to ice making it easy for Zayn to nearly slip as he turned around. “Huh? What about you? You're a big boy, I trust you can take care of yourself, yeah? Or do you mean what about us because I thought you made it very clear that we aren't a _thing_. Right Liam? That's what you called it, yeah? I remember you explaining great detail how it was a mistake, it was always a mistake. Too much to drink, you were just confused, you didn't mean for it to happen and then you leave. You're always leaving me Liam. You leave me confused and alone and scared so... so... I need to this time It's my turn to leave and don't you sit here with those stupid excuses that I should stay because you need me 'cause I needed you and you weren't there so give me one actual god-damn reason I should stay!” Another moment passes in a wordless breath. “That's what I thought” Zayn whispered each word accompanied by a tear with a name; frustrated, regretful, angry, sorry. His hand found the round knob hesitantly, wandering.

“I love you.” 

Zayn's palm pressed against the curve of the door knob, his ribs suffocated his lungs, his throat choked his words. He felt like one big convulsion, an inverted explosion. He felt like he was caving in, collapsing into black water, a room of echoes. Empty words filled him with unwritten meaning and with eyes closed, breath held, he turned the knob and abandoned what would have been in fear of what could have been.

-:-:-:-:-:-

“Louis!” Silence became to loud for Liam, breaking his eardrums and pounding in his head so he screamed. He screamed for Louis with a raw voice and threw open doors craving the sound they made as they slammed shut again. “Lou-!”

“Liam?” Harry entered and suddenly Liam shifted. His mind went wide with his eyes and his fingers twitched without rhythm mimicking his erratic heart. “Whoa mate, what's wrong?” Harry asked approaching Liam slowly, afraid to frighten what was already terrified. 

“Louis, where's Louis? I need him, I need Louis.” Liam answered with fast, blubberish words that gobbed into each other as they became saturated with feelings Liam didn't understand.

“Hey, mate, calm down, yeah? What happened?”

“Get Louis, get him. I need him, please, Harry, please get Louis”

Louis entered with a quick then hesitant foot, the same look drawn on his face as Harry's, the same word moving his lips.

“Liam?”

Liam spun on his heel, the rest of the room blurring into a haze around Louis, the only person Liam knew right then, and in the reoccurring silence that held them like fruit in jello, suspended in the sticky sweet tang of confusion and fear, Liam became aware again. He knew. He knew pain, he knew heartbreak, and frustration and fright and tears and it was all too much and all so explosive and Liam felt empty. He had no heart to keep him warm or bones to hold him up or tears to sooth his eyes from burning sobs as he crumpled into sturdy hands he knew to be Harry's.

“Liam, Liam shh. What's wrong mate? Hey, hey shhh, you're going to make yourself sick, love. C'mon Liam” Harry spoke brushing strands of hair off Liam's glistening forehead.

“H-He lef-eft” Liam half choked half gasped as he found himself clutching to Harry's shirt through another fit of sobs that shook his body and forced his eyes shut, blacking out any light that might have been since it was far to painful to experience bright when everything felt so dark.

Louis and Harry gave each other knowing looks and it was agreed upon, in a silent exchange of thoughts, that secrets like these became blatant lies and excruciating pain.

“Who left, love?” Harry played well, Louis thought, because as he stood picking at the pulled threads of his sweater he found words too loud to speak and his thoughts too far to reach.

“Za-yn, he-e's gone, he l-left” Harry and Louis flinched when Liam sat up, attempting to collect himself and succeeding in reducing to sniffles, the only sound keeping the room from freezing over into silence which was becoming an unwelcome guest.

Liam's eyes sought Louis' and then Harry's but blue was hidden behind glassy white and green was clouded with gray. His next words reflect just that, misty like after rain but colorful like a bruise, all yellow and purple and green, beautiful and painful. His next words were haunted and hidden, black and blue and sliced open.

“You... you knew didn't you” 

Louis nodded, twitched more than anything. It was a shaky up and down but it was something, a loud something, a broken something and that something made Liam stumble to his feet, Harry along with him, and narrowed his thoughts and clouded his vision. “How? When?”

“A couple days ago”

“And you never bothered to let me know? What about Niall? He knows too doesn't he. Was I the only one? Did the whole fucking crew know?”

“He didn't-” Louis took a breath and a step and started again “He didn't want you to know.”

“What? He didn't- Louis I swear to God you best not be having a go at me right now.”

“He's telling the truth” Harry added eyeing the fist of knuckles Liam had condensed his hand into. “Zayn didn't want to tell you and it was never really ours to share so...”

“And you all thought this was a good idea?”

“He needs time, mate, with everything that's been going on it's just... it's been a bit much for 'im lately. He just needed some time off.” The quiet tone in which Louis spelled his words sounded rare on the typically vociferous boy. 

There was a hole in Liam's stomach and he didn't know what it meant until he did. He found an opening, a loop hole, a way. Liam was swimming closer to the surface, his eyes were spilled ink and the waters around the three grew cold. 

“Does management know?”

“He needs this, Liam, okay? It shouldn't be up up to them-”

“So no?”

Louis' hope left in a breath, a sigh of defeat.

“No, they don't.” 

And that was the only gunshot Liam needed to begin the race. His feet were certain as he stepped in long strides to the door, the loop hole. He was determined but his sight was still foggy so his feet carried his chest right into two palms.

“Get out of my way Louis”

“Liam listen, you can't go tattle-tailing to management just 'cause you're upset he left. You're just going to make this worse than it already is. He'll be back before the next concert, yeah?”

“No, no he doesn't get to do this, he doesn't get to just up and run when things get bad he-”

Louis made a scratchy sound in the back of his throat that halted Liam mid-sentence. 

“And you're to preach?”

“I told him I love him.”

Liam spoke six words and there was no pause after, no gasps or wide eyes, no pity no understanding, only confusion and unamused laughter.

“Pardon?” Louis' laughed, quick and hollow. “Who was it who stood by his side when the rumors got around? Who was it who spent their night, more than once I might add, telling him everything was gonna work out, and who was it who nursed him through hangover after hangover? I'll tell you what, I've got three names and not one of them is yours. As soon as things get difficult your gone. You're a coward.” Louis jabbed a finger at Liam's sinking chest. “So next time you think you're all high and mighty 'cause you can utter three meaningless words, think again. Words are empty, actions are everything so, please, Liam, _think _before you do something stupid.”__

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__“Hey.”_ _

__“Hey.”_ _

__“How have you been?” Zayn felt like a sentence in a novel, a big long simile that he couldn't help but to recognize in himself as he watched the cigarette tucked between his fingers grow shorter with each gust of wind. His voice sounded of rough smoke and nicotine, his tongue burned like glowing embers and his bones felt hollow, his skin brittle like the soft gray snow that fell from the embers into the wind._ _

__“Good.” Louis laughed and took a drag from his own cigarette, letting out a breath and watching as the smoke tinted the red, orange, and purple hues of the sky a cloudy dusty color. “Shite actually.” Both boys laughed but neither knew if it was for the complete understanding of one another or because that was a typical Louis thing to say. Their laughter burnt to the filter fast and soon they were sitting in smoke again. “How are you feeling?”_ _

__“Good.” Zayn breathed the word out slowly. “It's been nice, gettin' away from it all ya know but uh... I miss it, I miss it”_ _

__“It or him?”_ _

__Louis held his breath and Zayn held his phone and both of them held their tongues tight between their teeth until Louis hissed as his forgotten cigarette burned the skin of his finger and Zayn took a sharp, shallow breath wishing that tears wouldn't come as easily as they had._ _

__“You know what he said?” Yes, Louis knew, he knew the ignorance Liam spoke but the frustration in Zayn's voice shoved his answer into his throat “The night I left, do you know what he told me?”_ _

__“Zayn-”_ _

__“He said he loved me, Lou, and I... I walked away. I just- I couldn't-” Zayn's tears watered down his voice and dampened his hands so he clutched the phone harder and spoke louder and was suddenly glad he was miles away._ _

__“You did the right thing”_ _

__“Did I?” The question was confusing to Louis, comfort or calm, he didn't know which was the proper response “Cause it doesn't feel like I did, it feels like- like-”_ _

__Louis heart jumped like when they cut to commercial just before announcing the winner._ _

__“Like..? Zayn?” Louis pulled the phone away from his ear to see the contact with Zayn's photo and name still glowing on the screen._ _

__“I'll have to call you back Lou, It's management.” And then Zayn was gone._ _

__“Wait Zayn! Zay-” but the beeps of the ended call cut Louis off. “Shit.” He tossed the phone onto his bed, pacing in short, quick steps with his hands knotted in his hair. “Shit!” Paying no mind to his throbbing toes as they collided with the wall, Louis found sudden ambition fueled with red hot stones of anger that sat in his belly and boiled his blood._ _

__“Liam!” The door to the younger lad's room swung open with a loud thud as it smacked against the wall. “Son of a bitch, bastard. Li-!” Louis yanked on another handle just as Liam reached out to open the same door from the other side, consequently resulting in Liam smacking right into Lou who stumbled a few steps back, his eyes wide, mouth open, shock freezing his racing heart._ _

__“Louis?” Liam's voice was enough to wake Louis up with a jolt._ _

__“What did you do? What did you tell them?”_ _

__“They had a right to know” Liam caught on quick. “And this is a job, he can't just walk out like that.”_ _

__“But who gave you the right to tell them?”_ _

__“Would you've rather had them find out themselves? You know they would have anyway and It would have made this ten times worse for everybody!”_ _

__Louis' eyes burned with frustration and he could feel his heartbeat in his palms so he took a breath, a sigh, he let it out. He rubbed his face in his hands and combed his fingers through his hair._ _

__“What is this Liam? Is this some sort of game you're playing? What happens when you win, huh? What's the prize?”_ _

__“Wha- no this- what's your point, Louis?”_ _

__“If you love him why are you making this so difficult for him?”_ _

__Liam stared at him._ _

__“I-I didn't, I don't-” Liam began but his throat was tight and he pushed the heel of his palms into his eyes, letting out a breath for the words he never said._ _

__“Then why would you tell him that? Why-”_ _

__“To get him to stay! I thought that maybe- maybe if I gave him something, a reason... But I don't, I wasn't- I just wanted him to stay, I don-”_ _

__“You do, Liam, and it-” Louis blinked too many times and scratched at the backs of his hands in annoyance. “It would be a whole lot easier for everybody if you just admitted it to yourself.”_ _

__“I can't.” Liam's voice was small, quiet._ _

__He hated those words, he hated them and he despised anyone who would say them. They were two words, always two; I can't, she can't, they can't, we can't, he can't, you can't. You can't survive with one kidney, you can't play with us, you can't be our friend, you can't go out with me, you can't be a singer, you can't._ _

__So Liam showed them. He showed them he could. He could live, he could make friends, he could defend himself, he could make the world fall in love. And he did. But now, now he was standing there saying he can't, and he never hated himself enough for it._ _

__“And why the hell not?”_ _

__“It just doesn't work like that.”_ _

__“Yes, Liam, that's exactly how it works. Either you like him or you don't; you love him or you're using him.”_ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__Zayn entered the new hotel at eleven, or maybe it was ten, he didn't know nor care. The only thing on his mind when he walked through the door was sleep since he hadn't been getting much of it but that thought, or hope rather, vanished fast when Zayn turned the handle of room 473._ _

__It was ironic, Liam thought, that Zayn had worn the same shirt as the day he left, the same duffel swung over his shoulder, Zayn by the door, Liam by another._ _

__“Zayn.”_ _

__“Why are you in here?” Zayn's voice was as quiet as Liam's but it had rasp, a soreness that made his whisper scratchy, rough._ _

__“I just wanted to make sure you made it back alright.” Zayn's eyes stayed on the floor so Liam was forced to ask rather than observe. “Are you... alright?”_ _

__“Peachy, Liam, now if you would excuse me.” Zayn began, past Liam, towards the bedroom door and at that instant, Liam was filled with the same urge he had a week ago, the same want and need for Zayn to stay, the same fear that he would leave._ _

__“I didn't mean for them to do this I just- I wanted-” Liam struggled to make it through the sentence, he stumbled and faltered unsure of where to step._ _

__“What? What is it that you want, Liam?”_ _

__“I don't know.”_ _

__Zayn's phone beeped somewhere in his bag. He flinched._ _

__“Did you mean it?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”_ _

__Liam flinched._ _

__“Zayn- I just rather-” Liam's eyes wandered. “I'd rather not do this now.”_ _

__Zayn nodded._ _

__“See you tomorrow.”_ _

__Zayn didn't wait for Liam to walk away when he stepped into the bedroom and closed the door and he didn't wait to hear the door shut to walk out to the balcony, pack of cigarettes in hand which is why he thought it was Liam when he heard the door shut, not Louis._ _

__“Mind some company?” Zayn shrugged too lost in the watery orange flame that sat atop his lighter as he let it lick the end of his cigarette breathing life into small orange beads of light. “I saw Liam in here.” Louis watched Zayn for a sign he was striking close. A twitch in his lip, a furrow in his brow, but Zayn's face was stone, unchanging, unmoving._ _

__“You wanna talk about it?”_ _

__“He doesn't.”_ _

__“Sorry?”_ _

__“I asked him if he meant it, if he loved me.” One more nicotine drenched intake of smoke before Zayn rubbed out the burning cherry on the concrete and admiring the black smudge it left. “He said he didn't want to talk about it. He said he loved me and now- now he doesn't want to talk about it and I-” Zayn had a habit, or maybe a curse of frustration, for it seemed he could never stay calm, collected. Perhaps that was the reason he smoked, first for looks then for thrill and third of all for the addicting calm it carried. But unfortunately, rouge tears had their own agenda and cramping fingers rubbed them away. “I don't know what that means, I don't-” The rough, sand-like texture of the concrete balcony pressed into Zayn's skin as his elbows dug into the railing, his head carried by his hands, his body shaky like the shallow breaths that barely filled his lungs._ _

__Louis rubbed out his own cigarette and places a hand on Zayn's back, feeling the bumps of Zayn's spine through his shirt before pulling them together._ _

__Zayn's hair was in Louis' mouth, his neck turned at an uncomfortable angle and his shirt twisted so that the sleeves were fit oddly around his arms. Louis' chin dug a bit too hard into Zayn's shoulder, his hand was stuck so that his elbow was bent between them and the dampness on the back of his shoulder is most definatly from Zayn. Neither of them thought that their tangled ball of twisted limbs would qualify as a hug but then again, neither of them cared._ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__Liam didn't like being drunk, usually. He didn't like the way his tongue felt, heavy and dry in his mouth making it hard to speak, usually. He didn't like the way his eyes could never focus right and the ground felt too far from his feet, usually. He didn't like the way he felt numb, usually, but tonight was different. He loved the numb drawl of drunkenness, he craved the blurry world of dark and light and in one gulp he downed the rest of fiery water and savored the way it burned down his throat._ _

__“Another, if you could, mate.” Liam's words were raw, like he had been screaming for the last week and a half._ _

__“I think the question is can you? That's your third.” The bartender, a short lad with rusty orange hair, asked with new eyes and concerned brows._ _

__“I assumed you valued your job but now I'm starting to think otherwise. You seem new to your trade so let me help. If a man asks for another, you'd be wise to give it to 'im.”_ _

__“Vodka on the rocks then. And you?”_ _

__Niall was bored and when Niall is bored he takes a trip to the hotel bar and if the hotel didn't have a bar, he would find one. Either way, Niall was tired of watching golf and his phone was dead so there he was, in dire need of a pint._ _

__“Pint of Murphy's, please. Since when have you drank Vodka?”_ _

__“Since two hours ago.” Liam stared at his empty glass, ring finger circling the cups smooth rim._ _

__“Should you be drinking like this?”_ _

__“This is a private establishment, no paps allowed. Plus I doubt any of these people know who we are.”_ _

__“I meant should you be drinking while your upset.”_ _

__“Who said I was upset?”_ _

__“I hate to break it to ya, mate, but you never did learn to hide your emotions too well.”_ _

__The bartender returned setting down a foamy drink in front of Niall and a light blue one in front of Liam. At first Liam thought it was his mistake, a trick of the lighting but the sent was fruity and faint, a drink that foreshadowed a night on a tile floor with your head hung over the toilet._ _

__“What is this?”_ _

__“From him.” The bartender nodded towards a guy on the other side of the bar._ _

__A man sat there with a smirk stretched across his cheeks and an oblivious bravery that gave him the courage to wink, quick and flirtatious._ _

__Liam wasn't sure if disgust or hatred was more prominent in the glare that narrowed his eyes and tightened his jaw. He stood fast and clumsy, nearly knocking over the bar stool, and pressed his feet against unstable ground as he marched unceremoniously towards the man._ _

__“Liam, Liam. Let's go mate, let's go, c'mon.” Niall pressed against Liam's chest as he stepped in his way. “Don't do this mate, don't.”_ _

__But Niall's attempts at stopping Liam from regret were in vain and Liam muttered what sounded like 'move' as he pushed past his bottle blond friend._ _

__“Hey!” The man turned around at Liam's shout and, realizing it was Liam, smirked for the second time that night. “You think your cool, faggot? Think your gay ass has anything on me?”_ _

__“Names Jack” The man, Jack, spoke coolly, collected and it irritated every nerve in Liam's body. “I'll take it you think your not gay?”_ _

__“Think? More like know.” Liam took another step so that he could look down at Jack, an involuntary reaction to threat. “I'm straight.” He growled low, under his breath._ _

__“You sure about that? Even most straight men would have taken that as a compliment, it's a good drink, babe, you should try it.”_ _

__Jack raised his glass at the same moment Liam raised his fist, he took a sip of the blue liquor the same time Liam swung and he set his drink down the same moment Niall fell to the floor, blood dripping onto his lip._ _

__The room was silent except for someone's 'Oh my God' in the background but Niall got up and the room was loud again and Liam was somewhat sober again and Jack smirked, again._ _

__“Niall I didn't mean to-” Liam lost his words in the back of his throat as he watched Niall wipe the blood on his shirt, mumble a 'Let's go Liam.' and walk towards the exit._ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__“I'm sorry, I really am.”_ _

__Niall may have been claustrophobic but Liam really hated lifts at the moment. His words seemed to bounce and echo off the walls forcing him to hear his own regret._ _

__“I'm from Ireland, mate, you should see some of those bar fights.” Niall didn't turn to meet Liam's eyes but they both laughed and even that was cautious and forced._ _

__“That guy was a right douche.”_ _

__“No, he wasn't.” Liam had never been great at lightening situations, that was Louis' forte but still, he was trying and in turn gave Niall a look that read 'what the heck, agree with me here'. “Not until you talked to him anyway.”_ _

__“Well what else was I suppose to do? He thought I was gay!”_ _

__“Thousands of people do, Liam!” This time Niall turned and looked at Liam, the volume of his voice pushing Liam a step back. “Ever heard of shipping? Read fan fiction at least once in your life? We're a boy band for crying out loud! But does that make you gay? No, It doesn't! You could have just turned down the drink, you could have got up and left but you just had to prove it to him. What does straight mean to you Liam? Does it mean being an ass, does it mean this? Niall pointed to his nose which was turning purple._ _

__“That was an accident, I didn't mean to hit you.”_ _

__“But it was him, you meant to hit him, to prove what, Liam? What do you feel like you constantly have to prove.”_ _

__Liam heard Niall's voice and he felt the tears that traveled down his cheeks but his mind wasn't in the lift and Niall could tell by the distant look in his eyes so he wasn't surprised to hear Liam whisper nearly inaudible words._ _

__“I think I love him.”_ _

__“Then show him, mate.”_ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__Zayn never did like waking up. He didn't like the sudden brightness, the foggy memories of dreams and the even blurrier memories of the night before, but recently was different. Recently he absolutely despised waking up. He wished to sleep forever, to live in his dreams where nothing was permanent, nothing actually hurt, nothing was real._ _

__Louis was still asleep next to him, a pillow tucked under his arm and the blanket twisted around his waist._ _

__Zayn turned reaching for his phone on the nightstand. Flipping it open he saw the time was 12:07 and had half a mind to roll over right there and fall back asleep but three sudden knocks startled him out of sleepy thoughts._ _

__“Ngh, Zayn.” Louis whined, voice scratchy from sleep and high pitched from annoyance._ _

__“Yeah, I got it.” Zayn replied before numb feet felt scratchy carpet and blind hands reached for cool brass. Zayn's still somewhat foggy mind yearned for more sleep but his curiosity pulled open the door._ _

__“Hi, Zayn.”_ _

__Liam's eyes were red and Zayn's first thought was that he had been crying but the moment Liam spoke his name the stench of bitter alcohol made Zayn cringe and he new Liam wasn't really Liam and the glimmer of curiosity dulled in his eyes._ _

__“Hi, Liam.” Zayn responded because if Liam wasn't Liam then Zayn could be Zayn and they both could talk about what sober Liam and careful Zayn never would and they both could make mistakes and blame it on the alcohol and Liam could pretend his memories weren't right and Zayn could pretend his memories weren't his and they both could try and forget when the sun came up._ _

__“What the fuck, Liam?” Louis must have got up anyway because he stood behind Zayn anger and curiosity distorting the sleepy words._ _

__“Louis, could you please.”_ _

__Louis huffed but shoved past Liam and out the door, the sheet draped around his shoulders leaving Liam with wounded eyes and Zayn with a throbbing heart. Silence was wonderful, sometimes._ _

__“I punched Niall because I love you.”_ _

__“You're drunk, mate.” Zayn laughed but he couldn't help but wonder if that was more of a reminder for himself than Liam._ _

__“Not taken' the piss, I punched 'im. I did. Right in the nose, wasn't meant for 'im though.” Liam examined his knuckles and Zayn's brows furrowed before he pulled Liam into the room and closed the door._ _

__“Let's see then.” Zayn said leading Liam into the bathroom and turning on the light._ _

__Liam winced at the brightness and Zayn supposed it was like waking up, mind foggy, unclear memories, the constant question of 'was it a dream?' and, of course, the penetrating light that bleached the color of your skin and constricted the pupils of your eyes._ _

__“You did this punching Niall?” Zayn questioned as he ran cool water, soaking a wash cloth and pressing it to the scraped up knuckles._ _

__“No, I mean, I punched Niall and hard too. I wasn't suppose to, it wasn't for him. I never wanted to punch Niall. I guess I hit the bar, ya know. Like on the way down.”_ _

__“Can I ask who this was for?”_ _

__Liam looked down at their hands and saw they were different. He saw his light skin turned pink with irritation against Zayn's olive skin inked with black. He saw his round palms and Zayn's long fingers. He saw, in his own, pain and punishment and in Zayn's, gentle comfort. He knew they were different, they weren't right, they would never belong on one person but, together, they looked beautiful, together, they looked like they belonged._ _

__“For you.”_ _

__Zayn stopped. He looked up. He didn't know what Liam meant but he knew what he said._ _

__“For me?”_ _

__“They are too confident and too persistent and smirky and if that was you, God, Zayn if you were me, if he did that to you-”_ _

__“Liam, let go.”_ _

__Liam loosened his grip on Zayn's fingers and let his hand fall._ _

__“They have no right, Zayn. They aren't allowed to assume but they do and then they get cocky and they don't stop until you shut them up.”_ _

__“He was gay.” Zayn stared at the murky red staining the cloth._ _

__“And he thought I was.”_ _

__“So you tried to punch him.”_ _

__“And ended up punching Niall.”_ _

__“You apologized?”_ _

__“And he told me to tell you.”_ _

__“That you hit him?”_ _

__“That I love you.”_ _

__“You're drunk.” Zayn whispered and there was no laugh this time, no casual brush off the shoulder._ _

__“Can I kiss you?”_ _

__Zayn looked up. He wished he didn't know were that could end up._ _

__“I wish you wouldn't have asked.” He spoke quietly, his eyes fixed on the cloth because it was easier that way._ _

__“Can I?”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Why not? I've kissed you before.”_ _

__“You've never asked before.”_ _

__“I'm asking now.”_ _

__“I said no, Liam, okay? You asked, that's my answer, leave it be.” Zayn's voice rose and he found himself looking into Liam's eyes wishing he could let himself say yes. “I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself, yeah? You won't remember this, you won't because you can't or because you won't want to but either way, Liam, you'll forget and that's alright.”_ _

__

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__“Another goal for Gryfindor!” Niall laughed as he kicked another football right next to Louis' digital player and into the goal._ _

__“Fuck you Niall!” said boy complained, elbowing Niall with maybe a little too much oomph._ _

__“Fuck ya right back, mate!”_ _

__“So is that what got ya a purple nose? Should've known.” Lou shook his head. “Which one was it, the plaster or was she American? You didn't use Tennessee did you?”._ _

__“What are you talking about?”_ _

__“Chatups, mate! She had a ring on or summat, that's a right job there.” Louis turned to Niall, nosy finger going touch the bruised bone, and frowned when his hand was batted away._ _

__“Oi, hands off ya touchy twat! And it wasn't a chatup, have you seen the place? There's no one under fifty, I swear.”_ _

__“A guy?” Louis asked, face becoming serious with genuine concern._ _

__“Don't look so worried, mate, I'm fine.” Niall said kicking in another goal just in time before Louis' grabby hands snatched away his controller. “Man, don't get all butt-hurt, you're not that far behind.” Niall complained but made no move to take back the controller._ _

__“Who was it?” Louis asked ignoring Niall's comments._ _

__“What does it matter? It happened and now my nose occasionally has a heartbeat but it's a long story and involves issues I am happy staying out of.”_ _

__“It was him wasn't it.”_ _

__And yeah, maybe it was dumb of Louis to say 'him' instead of Zayn and naïve of Niall to assume they were on the same page but they both had their reasons and neither of them had a habit of thinking before speaking._ _

__“Look, Lou, he just had a lot to drink, yeah? Plus that guy was getting all, ya know, so he got mad and went for it. Last thing I wanted was some guy to go blabbin' to the cops about how he got socked in the face by a world famous pop star. The paps woulda got a kick o' that, ay mate?” Niall laughed but Louis didn't take. “Anyway, I stepped between just in time. Yeah, it was stupid, but what else could I have done, he was pissed.”_ _

__“Pissed angry or pissed drunk?”_ _

__“Both.”_ _

__Louis shook his head, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, the sharp pain distracting him from the dull ache seeping like red wine on white carpet in the back of his mind._ _

__“I knew he was upset but I could never imagine Zayn of all people-”_ _

__“Wait, Zayn?”_ _

__“Yeah.” Louis furrowed his brow. “It wasn't Zayn?”_ _

__“No, I though we were talking about Liam but-”_ _

__“Liam!” Louis stood, the sudden amplification of emotion and movement bringing Niall to his feet at the same time, and all of the sudden Louis was red. He wasn't the embarrassed red, or the red that fills your cheeks with blush, but the type of red a bull sees as it takes off, charging horns first with huffs and grunts and furious ambition to take out whatever and whomever might be in it's way. “I can't believe that son of a mother-”_ _

__“Lou, chill. I'm fine.” Niall affirmed resting a palm on Louis shoulder as if that would prove Niall was, in fact, okay. “Honest mistake, yeah?”_ _

__“Mistake? Nobody nearly breaks their best bloody mate's nose on accident, Niall!”_ _

__“I know that! I meant it was my mistake! Shouldn't have gotten between them, but I did, and now I have to breath out of my mouth! I'm a mouth breather Louis! But not being able to breath out my nose for a week or two is much better then having to deal with what would have happened if he had punched that other guy!” Niall sighed and Louis dropped to the couch deflated. Niall followed and ran his fingers through his hair before continuing with much less vocal strain. “Look, Louis, I don't know much of what's been going on with Liam or what the you have against him, but Liam's my friend, our friend, and I hope you trust him as much as I do to know that this will pass.”_ _

__“He's just been hurting everyone, not physically, well, not until now, but the point is he's hurting everyone he cares about and he can't see it. He's been selfish and sulky and a downright wanker. That's not the Liam I know and I'd be damned if I don't admit that it's scaring me, Niall. I feel like we're losing him.” Louis didn't know when the tears came or when the water crept into his voice but by the time he was finished, he was crying._ _

__Louis Tommlinson didn't cry, not for anyone, not for anything, but at that moment he did nothing but just that. He embraced Niall's arms and didn't care if the people next door could hear his sobs he needed out and that was the exit. Crying was a way of starting new again, to wash away the old stress and dirty memories and wipe the slate clean. Louis Tommlinson didn't cry, not for anyone, not for anything, but at that moment, he did nothing but just that._ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__There were six minutes left, just six, three plus three, numero seis and Liam could think of at least six bad things that had happened in the past two weeks. Zayn left but he left Zayn first and that counted as two, Then he found out three of his best mates knew but didn't tell him, then Zayn came back which should have been good but it just made him feel worse, then he got drunk and punched Niall and that also counted as two._ _

__Liam always wondered what made six an unlucky number, what made it the bad guy. For all anyone new it could be three, but it wasn't. It wasn't three because it was six and it was six because some ancient folklore said so. What a dumb thing to do, Liam thought, how selfish could someone be to write another's destiny? How cruel to give a fate to anything other than yourself._ _

__And, by the funny way thoughts work, Liam thought about his fate, if it was a good fate or a bad fate or if he even had a fate at all. Could he change fate? Could his fate change him? Liam always wanted to be a superhero but somehow he felt like he was becoming the villain and if that was fate's fault then screw fate but if that was his fault..._ _

__His six minutes were up and the timer went off jerking Liam from inside his head as the treadmill slowed to a stop. He wiped his forehead with the towel wrapped around his neck and missed his mouth twice as he squeezed blue Gatorade from his water bottle._ _

__“Hey, Liam.” It was quiet, Zayn was always quiet around Liam, and he even thought for a moment Liam didn't here but he did, he always did._ _

__“It's a bit early for you to be up, innit?” Liam asked in a way that made Zayn's eyes flicker down for a moment, but only a moment._ _

__“Thought I'd do some trainin' with Paddy.” Zayn lifted his gloves but Liam didn't look at them._ _

__“Zayn-” Liam spoke but he stopped. Should he mention last night? Should he pretend he couldn't remember a thing? “I'm really sorry about last night.” He felt like he'd said that line too many times before. “I was right pissed off my arse and-” Liam paused again, his heart rate accelerating at the impending lie that lay across his tongue._ _

__In the end, Liam didn't have to lie because Zayn spoke first._ _

__“You think we had sex?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Did you think we had sex? Like last night?”_ _

__“What- no.”_ _

__“Cause you just passed out there and I didn't think it would make a difference to move you so...”_ _

__“No, yeah, that's what I thought. I mean I still remember last night I wasn't that drunk.”_ _

__And there it was, the truth. Liam snapped his mouth shut as soon as he said it, his blood turned icy and yeah, it didn't hurt going out but the constant ringing in his ears as the words tattooed themselves to his lips caused more pain then the ache in his stomach and combined, he wanted to throw up._ _

__But Zayn just laughed, and it was refreshing, a genuine laugh too, not just the polite kind. With that, Liam was okay and they were okay but the new part was they were okay together, they were okay with each other._ _

__“Mate, you were pretty drunk, I mean, you couldn't figure out the shower which was actually quiet the laugh but...” Zayn's voice dulled down into a fond smile and eyes saw the night before and Liam hated fate, he hated how it made him want so much, he hated that Zayn made him selfish and then it clicked._ _

__Zayn _was_ his fate._ _

__Liam wanted to cry. He wanted to hate the world for being so unfair. Why Zayn? Why him and not Danielle or Sophia or someone else, anyone else. It just had to be his band mate, it just had to be his best friend, it just had to be a guy._ _

__“You alright, Liam? You look like you're gonna be sick, love.”_ _

__“It had to be you.” Liam spoke soft, rough, angry, sad._ _

__“Sorry?”_ _

__“It had to be you, Zayn!” And then Liam was yelling and Zayn stepped back. “I just had to go falling in love with you didn't I, out of all people I just had to- I had to-!” But Liam couldn't find the right words and Zayn was still looking at him with wide eyes and Liam didn't want to cry, not now, not here. Crying was dumb, it was for babies, so he let the tears prick and sting but he never let them fall. “You're my best mate, how fucking cliché...” Liam almost laughed, almost._ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__

__They didn't end there, they didn't start there either, they just kinda paused. They were silent, no one new why, no one asked._ _

__When Zayn left the gym that day Paddy didn't ask where he was nor decline Liam when he asked if he could train instead. He put the pieces together after Liam had hit a little harder and a little sloppier than usual but still he never asked, no one asked._ _

__Zayn took a habit of smoking one cigarette after the other originally because it was what he did when he was feeling a little too much but later because he found it was a way to avoid Liam without arousing suspicion and it worked because no one asked._ _

__Zayn was quiet and Liam was quiet and it seemed as if everyone caught on and joined in at one point because everyone was quiet, no one really knew why, no one asked._ _

__He wished they did._ _

__As Zayn stepped on yet another burnt cigarette he found himself waiting for someone to open the door and tell him to stop, four was enough. He found himself hoping that Louis or Harry or Niall would stomp in and force him to play video games or footie or something. He found himself knowing that if someone asked he would blurt it out in one breath. Every word, every emotion, everything he had been shoving into the hollow box that resonated in the back of his mind would come tumbling out in lumpy sentences and he wouldn't hold back. But he didn't because no one asked._ _

__So he got up, leaving the lighter and pack on the balcony, and marched right to Liam's room._ _

__Before marching right past that and into Louis' instead._ _

__“Alright mate?” Louis questioned but didn't bother to look up from his phone when Zayn plopped rather obnoxiously onto the sofa._ _

__“I meant to go to Liam's.” Zayn confessed before Louis could ask more._ _

__“So I'll take that as a no then.”_ _

__“What's that suppose to mean?”_ _

__Louis gave Zayn a sideways glance before returning to his phone._ _

__“Go talk to Liam would you.”_ _

__“No. I want to talk to you now.”_ _

__“Zayn, I don't want to do this right now. I'm tired and I don't have the energy nor the patience to put up with your moping.”_ _

__“I don't mope. I talk to you all the time, I-”_ _

__“You're right Zayn, you don't mope, at least not around me. But you know what you do? You whine, like a toddler. You sit here and complain how you don't understand Liam, how Liam gets you mad at the smallest things, here's an idea; go talk to Liam about Liam!”_ _

__“And I will! Better than talking to a right tosser.” Zayn shot back folding his arms across his chest but making no effort to leave._ _

__“Honestly Zayn, no one is going to talk to him for you.”_ _

__And Zayn knew that, he knew no one could do it but him, and he didn't want anybody but him to do it. The hard part was the actually doing it part._ _

__“He's impossible to talk to, Louis!”_ _

__“Have you even tried?”_ _

__No. Regarding the past two weeks, the answer was no. Zayn hadn't tried to talk to Liam at all, in fact, he was avoiding Liam but Zayn wasn't about to lose this fight._ _

__“Yes! And every time it's the same thing. 'I don't want to do this right now, Zayn.' 'Can we please discuss this later?'”_ _

__“Then tell the him no! You always let him push you around and then you come and complain about him pushing you around. You are constantly giving him the upper hand, Zayn, and no one can take it from him but you.”_ _

__Which wasn't entirely true. From what Louis knew, Liam had never confessed to being in love with Zayn and from what Zayn knew Liam had lost the upper hand when he did, although he refused to admit that._ _

__Zayn never wanted the upper hand, he didn't want a hand at all. It was too much pressure, too much stress and he didn't want to be the one to have to say anything. Being quiet was his thing and he was good at it, but when it came to words, he did better with pen and paper than he could with tongue and teeth._ _

__“It's time to say goodbye, Zayn.”_ _

__-:-:-:-:-:-_ _

__He didn't knock before he entered Liam's room, it was never locked maybe because of bad habit or because of hope._ _

__“Have you come to stare at me or are you going to say something?” And yeah, it may have come out a little sharper than Liam intended but he wasn't planning on taking it back._ _

__“What am I suppose to say?”_ _

__“I don't know. I always thought the story ended at 'I love you'.”_ _

__“I always thought it would be me to say it first I guess.”_ _

__“Is that why you haven't said it back?”_ _

__“No, I think that's why I gave up”_ _

__“On what?”_ _

__“You, us, me. Dunno which came first.”_ _

__“So why then?”_ _

__“Why what?”_ _

__“You've not to say it back”_ _

__“I don't know yet.”_ _

__“What do you mean you don't know yet?” Liam felt his confusion bubble into frustration and forced him towards Zayn who dug his heels into the carpet and pressed his tongue to the back of his teeth._ _

__“I just don't know yet, Liam, okay?”_ _

__“How could you no- we slept together and you- we-”_ _

__“Yeah, yeah we did, more than once as a matter of fact but every time you left and so I began to lose hope. When I shouldn't have had any in the first place really. And it seemed like a good idea to move on at the time, yeah? Forget it happened, eventually go back to being mates.”_ _

__Liam paused his fingers clutching at his palms._ _

__“What seems good now?”_ _

__“Now, sometimes now I think it would have been easier if I just did love you. Without question, ya know? Like, that night, when I left. I loved you then, Liam and I think I love you now but-”_ _

__“But you're scared that if you let yourself love me again you'll get hurt again.” It was nearly a whisper and Liam walked carefully now, afraid of breaking the ice beneath them._ _

__“I- yeah.”_ _

__“We're so dumb.”_ _

__“We're scared.”_ _

__“Of being in love.”_ _

__“Of being hurt.”_ _

__“I have a feeling you didn't come here to confess your undying love for me.” Liam let out a breathy laugh and Zayn smiled but his eyes turned down to catch the tears that melted in them._ _

__“I came to say goodbye.”_ _

__No one breathed, no one spoke. The wind paused to listen and the floorboards stilled to watch as Liam's thumb brushed a tear off Zayn's cheek, one that was too warm to feel._ _

__“Stay with me one last time then.”_ _

__“Liam I-”_ _

__“Let me love you goodbye, Zayn. So that I don't have to say it.”_ _

__Zayn barley found room to whisper okay before Liam's lips were pressed to his, his hand pressing them together and his other cupped below Zayn's ear._ _

__Liam felt his cheeks dampen with tears that weren't his and it only made him press to Zayn more, to afraid of holding on to let go. He kissed Zayn like he never got to before, with truth behind every touch, meaning behind every breath and words like 'I love you' burning his heart with no intention of being put out._ _

__“Liam” Zayn breathed not brave enough to open his eyes just yet._ _

__“Tell me to stop and I will Zayn, say no and I'll leave, just let me know. You have to let me know this is okay.” Liam's hands dropped to Zayn's hips._ _

__“Don't.” Zayn's eyes met Liam's and it hurt, it hurt to feel so exposed, like Liam had stripped him of his skin just to catch a glimpse of his heart and there it was, throbbing and bleeding in his hands. “Don't stop.”_ _

__Liam growled with new determination, restraints broken in unrelenting passion as he pressed Zayn to the wall before grabbing at his thighs to hoist them over his hips._ _

__Teeth tore at the skin of Zayn's mouth and Liam's hair tangled in the fingers of Zayn's fist. Liam stumbled blindly to the bed._ _

__“I'm sorry.” Liam said between breath and a kiss._ _

__“I didn't come for you to apologize, Liam.” Zayn reminded him and flipped them so that his waist pinned Liam's the the mattress._ _

__“I broke your heart.”_ _

__“It was already broken, babe, I just needed you to twist the knife.”_ _

__They loved each other at the same time that night. There was no taking turns, no sharing. It was all at once and neither one of them pretended to be naïve to the fact that this was not their first chapter but their last. Not once did Zayn ever stop loving Liam and he never thought that a moment would go by that he wouldn't love Liam but his mother always told him that if he loved something to let it go and Zayn couldn't think of a better way to say goodbye._ _

**Author's Note:**

> I spent way too much time on this... I hope it was worth every minute! Let me know what you think and don't be afraid to say hi! (I don't bite unless you're a cookie)
> 
> Oh and be sure to check out the playlist I've created for this on my [Tumblr](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com)


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